You could say I have it all... A great husband whose life goal is to have children, a stable job, and our own flat. The perfect life, ain’t it?
Unfortunately, it ain’t. At 28, I’ve found myself pregnant. Yes, we talked about having a family, having at least two children. I was on the pill for quite a long time, and decided to stop taking it. After 3 missed pills, I knew it was a mistake and said I wanted to go back on the pill once my next period came (we had sex exactly two times while I was off the pill). That never happened. You know how they say it takes a while after your body gets to normal after taking the pill for almost a decade? It’s a lie; you can get pregnant straight away. I took several tests, all of which came back negative, so I felt, “Okay, periods can get messed up if you were on the pill so long, no biggie”. Imagine the surprise when all of a sudden it came back positive after 6 weeks (I’ve been doing the tests every couple of days).
I was mortified, cried in terror, and had all of the reactions I’ve never wanted to have. Then the doctor confirmed it, and I could feel the judgment when I said I’m not sure I want to keep it. I was simply not ready to become a mother. I’ve said several times before that I’ve found out that I don’t want to have children yet and that I want to go back on the pill.
I made an appointment in a neighboring state. They explained the procedure, and when I broke down in tears (not because I was not sure but because I was thinking about how it’s going to hurt my husband), I was told to go for a walk, get a coffee, and return if I wanted to. Or not. I came back. Because it was the right thing to do. I cannot imagine bringing an unwanted child into this world. I want to be a mother who feels like her child is the best thing that happened to her, not a mother who feels like her life was taken away from her.
Yes, it hurts. Yes, I’ve cried. Yes, I feel thousands of feelings at once. But no, I don’t regret it. I want to be the best mother I can, not one who becomes a mother just because “it happened.”
