Am I a Bad Person?

I found out I was pregnant while on FaceTime with my best friend. When I saw the 2 lines, my first thought was “WTF, this can’t be happening.” I knew right away I wanted to get an abortion; there wasn’t any thought about it. My friend told me about a clinic she had gone to before, so I made an appointment there. Since I was in school, I had to wait until the weekend for my first appointment/ consultation. I went alone because I just wanted to get it over with. Shockingly, when getting the ultrasound done, I wanted to see the images; I wanted to hear the heartbeat. Seeing the small little bean on the screen, I felt absolutely nothing; I had no attachment or emotions for this growing human inside me.

Two days later, I went back for my pills to start the abortion. I took the first pill in the office and was anxious about what was to come the next day. The next day I took a 2 different types of pain pills, anti- nausea pills, and an anti- diarrhea pill. Finally I took the abortion pills. I read stories about other women who actually saw the sack or a filmy substance come out, I didn’t. This whole time I still didn’t feel any remorse or second thoughts, nothing, just pain from the cramping.

I was impatient and went back a week later for my follow-up visit. The pills worked, and the baby was no more. I kept waiting for this feeling of sadness, remorse, pain something to make me feel like a decent person. The emotions never came; I felt more relieved that the situation was over, honestly. I came here and read stories of other women’s experiences, and it helped me with the feeling of thinking I’m a bad person for feeling nothing about my abortion. It’s okay if you aren’t sad or regretful; everyone’s experience is different. Don’t beat yourself up.

This story was shared from our partners at Shout Your Abortion.